Sunday, August 10, 2008

In need of stickier tape

Justin gave me such a hard time with the fact that I began my blog with such a pessimistic topic of dying and I just smiled at him. I knew God was stirring in me joy and life and thankfulness and said to Justin, “Just wait!”

Yesterday I did not feel well, and still today spent most of the morning in bed under the covers trying to sleep this summer cold away. I wrote a bit yesterday on the sofa in my living room with the chatter of my boys playing and utilizing their Saturday creative minds to create a weather machine. (Joshua is learning all about weather and climates at school right now). I could hear Joshua getting frustrated and Dad encouraging him through the frustration to think of another way to get the items to stick together. Apparently Joshua was using electric tape to get the red cups to stick and being the great scientist that Justin is he encouraged Joshua to think of a stickier kind of tape. When great, old scotch tape came to mind; I could hear excitement in Joshua’s voice and a whisper to his father “Am I creative Dad?”

Tears coming to my face I remember as a little girl wanting many times to be affirmed by my Daddy and to this day; I still do. My thoughts gravitated towards memories of Saturdays when I was a little girl. I remember being bored and sitting in my room on a summer afternoon gazing out and up at the sky…August in Arizona provides several opportunities for many thought-provoking clouds. I remember one particular afternoon like none other. I don’t remember anything in particular going on at home…there was peace at that moment and I was facing summer boredom like I often did throughout the summer but something monumental was going on within me and I wasn’t even aware of it occurring at the time.

As I was lying there gazing out at the summer sky and almost mesmerized at the quick formation and rearrangement of the clouds I was hearing words within my soul. I felt like someone put the question within my soul and hit repeat on the recorder. I heard over and over again “Who am I, what am I here for?” The more I heard these words echo within my heart the more peculiar it seemed and the more peace and love that I felt permeate from within me.

I am positive that I was one of many young adolescent girls, bored and tired of summer. I know there had to have been many like me and that this moment was not anything special. Yet, deep inside I know that it was…I kept it to myself but the memories of that Saturday afternoon have come to my mind several times through my journey of growing and maturing. I recalled that bizarre Saturday moment and peaceful thought provoking words running through my head several other times before and now in this moment I was recalling it yet again.

This summer has been a time of reflection for me and a little bit of questioning. You see I sense the Spirit rising and moving me to step up and recognize that I am not on my way to a funeral like so many are when this world comes to an end…but I am on my way to a joyous wedding feast! How often I forget this and live in a way that does not bring glory to my God.

Just as my son was seeking affirming words from his father; I too am in need of time alone with my Father so that I can hear His affirming Words to me! And if I don’t hear or see Him in my circumstances; I will choose to trust in Him anyway and love Him like He has never been loved before. I will shake off the lies the enemy tries to discourage me with and step up to what the Lord is calling me towards-a life of surrender to Him.

Earlier this summer I read in 2 Chron 20 about Jehoshaphat and can’t wait for another entry to post all God put on my heart in reading His Word and a how the Lord defeats our enemy with our praise! I love to just say "Jeoshapha!" (Doesn't it just sound good...I praise You Father for Jehoshaphat and His determination to praise you amidst confrrontation with war!)

In addition to memories of childhood Saturday mornings and reminders to praise Him no matter what I am reminded that I am affirmed in His Word...Hear this truth found in His Word from Phil 3:10.

“I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself” (Message)

Hmmm...I remember before Justin asked me to marry him we shared some deep conversations together and I remember both of us crying out to each other without even knowing the depths of what we would go through together….”I want to go all the way with you!!” I felt deep within my soul that He was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; I knew that I wanted to live life with him forever.

In the same way; I want to go all the way with my God! I don’t know what lies ahead Lord, but I surrender to You and Your will for me! I no longer what to hear “Who am I, What am I here for?”

This is a new day; and I am waving my white flag and exclaiming “HERE I AM!”
What about you? Fellow sojourners will you surrender with me?

Dear Lord, help us to surrender all that is so hard to surrender; the pain of past hurts, the insecurities that tug on our egos, the fear of what may lie ahead...Lord show us where we are frustrated and where we may need to find stickier tape in our lives and draw closer to You!!

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